Fear
I’m afraid.
I am afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid of wet hair hanging around the drain in showers. I’m afraid of intruders coming into my house. I am afraid loving, trusting, rejection and I am afraid of vulnerability.
The last four are things God and I have been working on lately. They are problems that go far back beyond my memory and the last thing I want to think about.
You won’t relent until you have it all, my heart is yours. -Misty Edwards
Those words have been pressing into me for months. I can’t escape them because I can’t escape Jesus. He wants all of my heart and I don’t like that. I want to hold onto it, to protect it. The deepest part of me says “God I can’t give it all to you. I know you wont mean to but you’re going to hurt me. So I need to protect myself from everyone, including you.” Time and time again he says Don’t you see? I love you. I am not going to hurt you. You are hurting yourself by keeping your heart from me. Don’t you see I have a love that will never let you go. I’m going to pursue you and I’m not giving up until I have your heart. But I won’t force you, I’m here where your ready.
“But God you don’t understand.”
What a silly thing to say because he understands completely. Jesus experienced the ultimate rejection on the cross.
“He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” Isaiah 53:3
Who am I to say that Christ doesn’t understand my fear of love and rejection? He loves me so much yet I continue to reject HIM. I continue to hurt HIM by choosing books, music, friends, and myself over him.
I saw this video a while back and it really changed my perspective. The acting isn’t the best but it has a great message and that is what matters.
http://www.beamerfilms.com/catalog/sermon-videos-illustrations-c-65/wounded-bride-a-parable-of-god-s-grace-and-forgiveness-p-184
Sometimes we believe that God could never truly love us, especially if we don’t even love ourselves. How could he love this? I’m so screwed up. But his love is unconditional, his grace is without measure and his forgiveness is ours. We don’t have to have it all together. In fact God wants us broken and contrite trusting in the Christ.
So I have given up trying to keep my heart from God. For the past five months I’ve wrestled with God trying to give him all of my heart, praying about celibacy, and being vulnerable with him about my feelings. Every time I try to close my heart off from him I am filled with loneliness and unsatisfaction. My heart is his and I never want to go back to keeping it for myself.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
Peace-
Prezza Rene
